I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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