I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
