when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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