so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
