I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
