All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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