I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
