hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
