I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
