you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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