On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
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So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize