The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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