The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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