Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
