I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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