you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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