how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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