I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
