I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
