you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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