totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
