I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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