One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
