I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize