Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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