i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
