***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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