She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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