The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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