I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
