Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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