I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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