then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
