I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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