Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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