I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
