I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Randomize
