My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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