please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
