I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
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Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
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Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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