Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
