After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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