Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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