Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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