Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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