I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
