Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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