I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
