i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
