Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
