Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
