you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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