I wish I could punch you in the face.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
