I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
