I think I am morally bankrupt
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
