Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
