I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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