I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
