You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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